Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
