ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
