I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
