Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
do herpes really smell.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
