Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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