You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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