I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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