She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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