Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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