Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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