if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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