My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
