Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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