At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
