I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
