did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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