I wish life had little blips of pornography
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
