All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
