You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
