I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
false alarm, still single
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
