where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
