So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
