just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
