your parents love me but you hate me
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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