Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
