a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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