Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Found the puke drawer
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
