Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
