Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
