True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
