If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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