You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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