hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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