ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
