Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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