I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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