You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
