The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
