one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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