what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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