I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
