Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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