a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
