you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize