Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
