And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
