Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
