Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
