i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
