I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
