Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
