Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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