Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
