I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
