i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
