I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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