You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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